guess i should say i'm blogging here now: http://woodsyniles.blogspot.com/

and around fb for little things as always: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1087224014

i miss this place!

Mm. Some days it really does feel as if I've been blessed... sprinkled with gold dust or somethin'.





Jewish Xmas with Greg and New Year's with Samenstein.
Biggest smiles, for real. :))

Posting this a little early, because I'll be up in Michigan when the new year rolls in, with Sam and a few of our most favorite palz. :) I'm looking forward to being away from everything for a few days 'cause while the past few weeks have been nicenicenice they have also been very emotionally charged and overwhelming (stressssss ahhhhhh).

(2010, 2009)
Wishing you all the sweetest of years!! from me and a constant in my life, my five wonderful felines. <33


January
( my year in photos! )

I've been thinking a lot about what to write about this year. How to summarize with equal attention to each season; how not to lose sight of 2011's baby steps in the flurry of emotion that has taken over the last few months. 2010 had a clearer arc, for sure. Tumultuous and beautiful throughout the first half, and then the calm, happy stability that Sam bought into my life. That ending wraps up tidily. There was a certain assumption that that was what it would be like from then on. I needed that then, to think "This is it." And Sam has stayed. He's made me a better person in more ways than I can count. He's a big part of what comes to mind when I think Home. Despite that, in autumn we went through undoubtedly the rockiest time our relationship has excountered. We're coming out of that now and long-term we'll be better for it, but we're still mending what was broken and it's still hard sometimes. But I never lose sight of how lucky I am. I have never felt so loved.


In December's unusually warm beginnings, there is Greg. He's one of those impossibly kind, soft-spoken people that makes you want to be a nicer human. He took me completely by surprise. It wasn't really a desirable time to begin a new romance, but I guess the universe ain't much for convenience. The first time we met we spent the day together board-gaming and book-store-ing, then the evening talking and putting together a dinosaur-themed lego set... by night, it became kissing and naked post-sex gossiping. I don't yet know what this will become (do we ever? can one rely on hunches to decide if something's a mere dalliance or if it will deepen and sprawl into the future?), but it's good.

After my two summer flings' tiny, mostly expected deaths, I feel a superstitious urge keep the details in my heart. As if writing about my relationship with Greg will somehow expose it to something too sinister for it to handle in its tender youth. And I wonder if I want to tell this now. I wonder how much this is a part of this story. Because 2011 ends here, is it more momentous than Andy or Agatha (who in his very brief appearance, bought something out in me that I didn't yet know I was capable of)? What will I remember as important when I'm writing this same post about 2012? But I was never much one for rewriting history and in 2011's last few breaths, this feels intrinsic.


After a period of years in relative solitude I've become a person that has actualized, meaningful relationships with people. While I wasn't unhappy before and I probably wouldn't have admitted to being lonely, I am much more a part of the world around me now. I'll likely never be someone who travels far from home or a lady filled with wanderlust, but I feel like I'm discovering so much of the world by letting myself become close to people, allowing myself to love without fear. I have friends now. I have lovers and acquaintances and family and unfortunately, folks who aren't too fond of me (but I don't mind). I'm evolving not only as a person, but as a partner. I feel like I can be something good to someone.

My main goal for this year (to fix my debt) was pretty much a failure. Though I'm raking in more money than I ever have and I only use debit cards or cash now, so I'm not adding to the considerable amount I owe Bank of America and The Cleveland Clinic. Which is a good start! I'm still strongly considering starting school in 2012, which that will never not terrify me and will add some bigger digits to my debt. I'm trying hard not to become complacent now that my job is easy-peasy and I make enough to get by with some perks (barely). For 2012, I think I've lost the ability to pretend I know what's coming next. So...

My fortune cookie fortune:
If we are all worms, try to be a glow worm.

I feel like I should change blogging platforms. It's sort of a ghosttown 'round these parts and considering I rarely post or comment I'm contributing to that atmosphere too. I'm really fond of the semi-privacy of LJ though, which I'm not sure something like Tumblr could ever offer. I like writing candidly and not having to refer to people by poorly disguised nicknames (Sam is Sam, not S, okay?). Any ideas?

Bloop. My past is popping up all over the place, damn. This guy, Arda, who I met on Chatroulette (lulz) over a year ago, tracked me down a few days ago. I think he just wants to see my boobs.

Then Sam's ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend sent me a message on okc, not realizing our connection. It's extra-strange because none of us even live in the same state. He seems like an okay fellow, but I feel a slight unreasonable resentment towards him because Katie broke up with Sam partially because of this dude. And, while I totally realize that's not his fault, I have kind of a underlying "You caused someone I love to be hurt, I hate you a little" towards him. I told him who I was and sent a friendly message though (Sam told me to, fyi).

Then I got a very sweet e-mail from my ex, Spencer, out of the blue. I read it to Sam and we both got all choked up (we're wusses).

Hey Lily,

It's been a long time! I hope everything has been going swimmingly for you.

So I have been doing a lot of random self reflection and trying to improve on who I am as a person, and I just wanted to send you a little note as to the fact that I am sorry for the fact that I was more than a bit of a jerk last summer when we were dating. There aren't really any excuses for it or anything, I was just in a rough place in life and unfortunately let it creep out into our interaction which you did not deserve at all. I treated you poorly and you are way too good of a person to have deserved that. I am truly very happy you have found someone good for you and I hope that everything in life is going very well for you. I know this is coming up way out of the blue and WAY past due, but I think it was seeing all the lilies blooming lately that made me reflect on that time and feel pretty shitty about it. I am not expecting any response or anything, this was more a motion in self recognition and owning up to mistakes, so sorry if it's weird at all, haha.

I hope for all the best for you,
Spencer

_____

I also have a new friend that I'm super-excited about! Her name is Bethany, she's super-cute and she's moving here from North Carolina at the end of the month. I think this is potential bestie material, you guys.

Americana celebration at my mom's tomorrow! Veggie dogs, potato salad, corn in foil packets and illegal fireworks at the lakeside. Did I mention I found out I have a pattern III hypersensitivity to dairy? Remember last year when I lost like twenty pounds, had a low-grade fever frequently and slept thirteen hours a day? That's what happens when I eat a cheese. So no more dairies for me. :/

Sososososo excited for next weekend. Vacationtimez, here I come. Eeeeeeee.

This video is ridic. Someone else please be home on a Friday night. I need friendssssssssssss.

I'm going thrifting by myself tomorrow. I want to buy some dresses for work so I can feel kyuuuuute.

Did I mention me and Sam ran into my ex (Corey) at the CVS last weekend? It was hilarious. We laughed the whole car ride home. My memory had kind of downplayed how ridiculously and constantly uncomfortable that dude was. (I harbor no bad feelings toward him at all, fyi. He's a nice, funny, good person. Just comically awkward.) I'm pretty sure that he was thinking "Lily has told this guy all about my penis. ;_;" And okay, he is right.

We found a tiny baby fawn at work. I texted Sam to tell him and he sent back "I love you. That fawn is me and it is my present to you." ♥ Then I saw a dead kitten on the way home ._.

I forgot about my waffles. Pffft.

BONUS: New York just legalized gay marriage. Awwww yeah.

Good Lord, I need to stop having such humungo gaps between updates (likewise, I need to stop being a crudtastic lj-friend -- I do always read your posts though!). I'm going to Michigan this weekend, so I want to at least post before I skuddle off.

1. Sam and I celebrated our extra-special, star twin birthday on March the 10th. I turned 23 and he turned 25.

2. I'm going to become a full-time student, majoring in Economics♥ starting the fall semester of 2012. I'm hoping to go to Cleveland State University and then possibly transfer to Case Western for my last year or two. I'm taking the ACT on June 11th. Sam is tutoring me through my ACT math prep books. I am so effing excited and determined because for the first time in a long time -- or maybe the first time ever -- I feel like I have forward momentum. Knowing what you want is a curious, precious thing.

3. Sam may also be going to grad school here. We're definitely moving towards us living together, here in sweet Lakewood, Ohio. I feel really positive and gut-feeling-right about this, so while it won't be for at least another year, I'm happy we're starting to seriously talk it about. :)

4. Patricia and Frenchie both had their adoptiversities last month, which means they've both been my kitties for two years now! ♥

5. I'm attempting to organize a playground games league starting May-ish. It'll be super-super-fun if I can actually round up enough people to meet on the regular. I want to meet new franz and spend more time with the ones I already have and run around and be less sedentary, so hopefully it'll be successful. :)

P.S. I really need to get 25 people to "like" the page on FB so I can get a username for it/advertise on flyers around town. So, uh, if you could? :D The Misfits League. Also, you should be my friend on Facebook, if you're not already!

Anyhow, onto pictures!

( out-of-town visitor slumber party, boardgames, greenhouse, cats! )

I knew, for sure, last weekend when we fell asleep together and woke up together on webcam and he asked me to call him on the phone or yell over skype if I woke up in the middle of the night (which I generally do because I sleep terribly and I'll have a silly half-sleep conversation with him when he's here) so it'd be like we were really together in the flesh.

Saying "I love you" for the first time is never not going to be terrifying for me. In the most awkward I-Love-You over webcam on Valentine's Day ever: I looked completely petrified, giggled uncontrollably and got teary eyed, made Sam think I was breaking up with him, said "I llllll-." And finally he said "Are you going to say you love me?" and I said "I'm so scared, but... I do. I love you," and immediately fell over, face cradled in hands, blushing like a little girl. He said, with a bunch of soup noodles hanging out of his mouth, "I think I love you too. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And then the other day I was like 'Do I love Lily? Yes, I think I do.'" Then he apologized for not being romantic and we laughed and gazed at each other through the internet. And I love my relationship with Sam because, all the other times, I'm not scared because my best friend is there with me. I feel luckyluckylucky.



Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.